The Association

How To Get Girls By Expressing Sympathy For Allen Iverson

by Brian Spaeth

Once upon a time, I was a veteran of the NBA blogosphere, primarily through this website.

Bear with me, because I'm doing a little blog tour with a bunch of my old NBA blog friends, and frankly, I'm a bit rusty. It took me four days to write this first post, and there's zero substance to it. (This actually isn't much different from what I used to do - I just was much faster back then.)

Anyway - I'm here today primarily to do two things:

1) Promote a movie. (Don't panic - Who Shot Mamba? has legit NBA/basketball ties.)

2) Have some sadness about my Allen Iverson and his possible signage with the Memphis Grizzlies.

The former is because I want people to watch the movie, and then later, buy the DVD of the movie. That way I can make lots of money at that, and go around being famous with a niche audience of +/-1500 men between the ages of 15 and - I dunno - 75.

The latter portion of my agenda is far more clear. Back in like May I said something on Twitter about how the end of Iverson's career was making me sad, and this girl who I'm in love with said that it showed a sensitive side of me she wasn't previously aware of.

This was a big day, because I'd never told anyone about my sensitivities for the career of Allen Iverson, and had no idea the type of euphoric effect it could cause for females. Pretty much all I do now is go around to hot yoga classes with a mildly sour look on my face, wondering out loud why Allen can't go chase a ring as a gunner off the bench for a contender.

This is how I say that:

This is fun yoga...why can't Allen Iverson go chase a ring as a gunner off the bench for a contender.

Now, I must step away for a moment and note that this post was actually supposed to be an tempestual list of 27 teams Allen Iverson should sign with and why.*

That's when I took a break to go get a picture of Allen Iverson for the Allen Iverson post. That's this post.

Did he get a little doughy.

So, and in conclusion, the first trailer to for Who Shot Mamba? came out today on the Facebook Page. Tomorrow I'll be at Both Teams Played Hard, being sad about the Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers logo, and explaining how I use that to pick up girls at karate class.

* The Cavaliers, the Timberwolves, and the Grizzlies were the only teams I couldn't find a reasonable justification for signing Iverson.

Brian Spaeth is the writer and star of Who Shot Mamba?, a Broadband Motion Picture debuting October 13th on Koldcast.tv. He has also published two novels, and writes regularly at his own blog. He frequents Twitter in a big way.

Los Lakers Drop the Ball on Noche Latina

What, no free XXXXXL white tee shirts, no halftime donkey shows, no Mariachi Band playing the "defense" song, no free admission with a ticket stub to cock fights in the IE, no "find the Virgin de Guadalupe in the pool of sweat" contest... How can the Lakers celebrate Latina Noche night and not properly honor La Raza? All we got was the Lakers wearing "Los Lakers" jerseys and a few Los Lobos songs during los timeouts (sorry too many los's). At least have the Lakers girls surgically remove their torsos... Okay maybe that was bad but where was the celebration of the Latino culture in LA without any semblance of Latino Culture? Oh wait, they did give away free tacos from El Jacko en el Boxeo after the Lakers beat Memphis 99 to 89. 

At least give us hot dogs wrapped in bacon (btw - the best/worst/worst food ever, I once bought one before a game a few years ago... 30 minutes of pleasure followed by 10 days of indigestion and most likely a tape worm, yet somehow worth it). Anyway, a few other thoughts from the game from my seats in Section 316: 

Memphis, the Mos Eisley of the NBA: On the Grizzlies are Darko Milicic, Darius Miles, Quentin Ross, Chris Mihm and Damon Stoudamire with Henry Bibby as a coach ... You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy... Either their front office sees something in these guys on the cheap or the Grizz are the last stop/last chance before D-League-ville. There's nothing wrong with taking a cheap feeler on a few long shots, but 1/3 of the team is too much! BTW - couldn't you just picture that "He doesn't like you, I don't like you either" exchange between Darius Miles and Marc Gasol? 

Gasol vs. Gasol: People thought the Pau Gasol trade last year was the most one-sided trade in the millenium but we easily forget that Marc Gasol was a throw in. The guy can straight up play! He's just a rookie but he has great passing skills and is a capable rebounder. Give him a season or two to develop a low post game and Memphis has a true all star. You can see that he already commands respect from his teammates for his basketball IQ. Which makes me wonder: Luke Walton, Ronnie Turiaf and Marc Gasol... Mitch Kupchak really knows how to draft in the second round! 

Oh and Marc Gasol outplayed his brother Pau, who was clearly frustrated all night. 

First impressions on OJ Mayo: I read somewhere that Mayo has a Kobe-like work habbit and he's a star in the making. Maybe, but I didn't see it tonight. Certain players, like Kevin Durant, command attention whether being a rookie or not, yet Mayo seemed caught between facilitator and scorer. Because of the beard he does he rally looks like a 30 year old grizzled veteran. 

Moment of the night: Actually there were two of them. The first involved DJ Mbenga, who got the Lakers bench all riled up with a block on defense followed with a 12-foot jumper on the next possession (Derek Fisher was laughing so hard he fell on the floor). But the true moment of the night or La Noche was Adam Sandler kissing Jack Nicholson during the kiss me cam segment. Hilarious!

Memphis Grizzlies: The NBA's Slump Buster

By Craig Kwasniewski

The NBA's real Washington Generals, the NBA's beer goggles, the NBA's Vicodin, the NBA's liquid courage, the NBA's Dr. Feelgood, the NBA's HGH (but only to recover from injuries and not to throw fastballs at age 45)...

Is it me or does it seem like the Memphis Grizzlies are always playing teams after bad trades or bad injuries? Did David Stern install a flex schedule for the Grizz? So maybe the Grizz are his Bizarro Justice League, sent out to help the needy by losing big. (Highly believable considering many people think Stern fixed the Gasol deal.)

Whatever it is, the writers, experts and fans are all buying into the "all is well" line of thinking after teams are beating the piss out the the hapless Grizz.

Check out this five game flex-pack of The Slump Busters:

Dallas at Memphis (2-22-08) - Fresh off a thorough ass-whooping by New Orleans two days earlier, Jason Kidd sparkles as the Mavericks beat the Grizz 98-83. Along the way, Kidd has 15 assists and earns a magical soliloquy by Jack McCallum in the March 3rd edition of Sports Illustrated. The article gushes about things like a Kidd pass to Jason Terry, "He whiplashed a one-bounce pass that never rose more than a foot above the floor and landed directly in Terry's hands for a layup."

Ummm Jack... it's a bounce pass against the worst team not coached by Pat Riley!!! Please tell me about the "whiplashed" passes against the Hornets, Spurs, Lakers and Jazz (all playoff teams that the Kidd-led Mavs have lost to).

Memphis at Cleveland (2-24-08) - The new look Cavs make a glowing debut against Grizzlies, rolling them 109-89. At least Brian Windhorst, ESPN's in-house LeBron James ball washer, was realistic about the game, "But it was hardly a fair litmus test against such a downtrodden opponent."

Personally, the jury's still out with this trade. I'm not sure the Cavs are that much better given financial sacrifice. Wallace is old (and smaller than LeBron), Wally Szczerbiak's shot selection and ego will drive LeBron crazy (like he did to K.G.), Joe Smith is serviceable and Delonte West can't hang with Billups. But against the Grizz, these guys are freakin' world beaters.

Phoenix At Memphis (2-26-08) - The headline for this game was, "Nash and O’Neal power Suns to a 127-113 victory over Memphis." Against the Grizz, a team that lost to playoff contenders Los Angeles, New Orleans, Detroit and Philadelphia (yep, they're in the postseason today) looks like a power.

Oh but I'm sure that W over a broken Celtics team is worth noting, right? Especially with Garnett recovering from several weeks off and Paul Pierce having worst worst game of the year.

Memphis at Houston (2-29-08) - This is when I got a little suspicious of the scheduling. Their fourth game in a row comes against the Rockets fresh off of finding out that Yao Ming is taking off the rest of the season to prepare for a women's TV show (Beijing Olympics). So OF COURSE the Rockets roll Memphis 116-95.

At this point, I'm thinking the Grizzlies need to play Denver, Phoenix (again... they NEED W's) and Dallas (just to see if McCallum writes a book about it). But it didn't stop there...

Utah at Memphis (3-1-08) - Fresh off their loss at New Orleans on Friday night (courtesy of clutch play from Jannero Pargo off all people), the Jazz recover with the NBA's Tylenol and beat the Grizz 113-92.

That's five straight games against teams NEEDING W's after losses, bad trades and injures. And who do the Grizz play tonight? The Chicago Bulls, fresh off a blockbuster trade and needing a (wait for it) Dr. Feel Good win.

Take two Grizzlies games and call me in the morning.

Photos: Game Over!

By Craig Kwasniewski

After blowing a 23-point lead over the Spurs, Rudy Gay saves the Grizz with a game winning three over Tim Duncan, giving Memphis a 88-85 win over San Antonio.

Nothing brings in The Association's new look better than a Spurs last-second loss.

BTW - Here's the difference between a good night's sleep and a restless night: the original headline was going to be Gayme Over until I realized it spelled Gay Me Over... Thanks Holiday Inn Express!

Anyway, here's some photos from the game winner:

Photos: Lottery Hell

By Craig Kwasniewski

Now that the lottery is behind us let's take a break from all the draft speculation (and comedy at the Celtics expense) and take a look at my favorite part of the NBA Draft Lottery, the misery of former NBA greats after losing out to the Pacific Northwest. I'm talking about Tommy Heinsohn, Larry Bird and Jerry West. All three were great players in their day and exceptional head coaches. Success has followed them through most of their lives, but on Tuesday they were brought to the beautiful berg of Secaucus, New Jersey because the teams they represent for lack of a better word... suck. All three brought in their best therapeutic smiles, good luck charms and attitudes hoping against hope to bag the big one.

SNNNAAAAPPPPP!!!! Portland wins the lottery and all three are left with the best/worst/best faces of misery (they're too old to fake their way into happiness so the true emotions of the moment come through). Check it out:

(BTW - my favorite is Jerry West, talk about misery. It's a damn shame that The Logo can't get along with Phil Jackson and save the Lakers. Right now Jim Buss and Mitch Kupchak are looking very much like the 2004 version of Wyc Grousebeck and Danny Ainge.)

Easy Math: Lakers + Grizzlies =

By Craig Kwasniewski

Well that was two and a half hours that I'll never get back!

The Lakers lost at home 88-86 to a blatantly tanking Memphis Grizzlies team (they sat both Mike Miller and Chucky Atkins with Shaquries (fake injuries), basically daring the Lakers to lose). Normally I'd put together some kind of game report with news and observations from The 316, but this game was so unwatchable and I'm so pissed at the loss that I'll just summarize the whole experience with a simple question?

Hey, who here wants to pay between $20 and $1,000 a seat to see Smush Parker shoot? What about Sasha Vujacic? Anyone? Any...one? (Okay that's two questions, but you get the point.)

As the Lakers proved during their five game winning streak, they need 40 plus from Kobe to have any chance at winning. Vujacic and Parker jacking threes in the fourth quarter will never lead to Laker W's. And just what the hell is Smush Parker doing taking the last shot? You have the best closer in the NBA since Michael Jordan and the best option is a Smush Parker three from the baseline? Kobe guarded by the 1985 Chicago Bears has a better chance than a Smush Parker lay-up. What kills me is that I guarantee that Laker doofus douche dumbass dickhead GM Mitch Kupchak will outbid himself and extend Smush Parker through 2010. Guaranteed!

And while we're here talking about Sir Smushness... we all know NBA ballers love to dabble in the ladies. So just how skanky are the ones that pursue Smush Parker? Just how many open sores do they have? Come on seriously, there has to be some sort of groupie pecking order, right? So players like D-Wade and Shaq get Playboy-level chicks while Smush Parker and Sasha Vujacic have to share the cleaning ladies. It's only fair.

Mike Miller's A Woman!

by Brett Edwards

OK, not to run this thing into the ground, but reader erin p. sent us this link to a photo taken from last night's game.

ARE THOSE BREASTS??

At first I thought this was a fake photo of some kind, but it appears legit. Feel free to pile on in the comments, all I can say is...wow.

Who's That Chick That Plays For Memphis?

by Brett Edwards

Don't know if anyone else has noticed, but Mike Miller of Memphis is morphing into a girl right before our eyes. The long hair held back by a thin headband (not the Anderson Varejao variety), along with Miller's rosy cheeks and soft features is looking VERY fem. Not that there's anything wrong with that. As long as the estrogen shots don't interfere with his 3-point shooting (he's on my fantasy team), whatever (s)he wants to do with his sexuality is fine with me.

Gasol por Pau Gasol

by Craig Kwasniewski

Spain's NBA player Pau Gasol poses during a news conference to present his biography in Madrid May 29, 2006.

To show that we are fair and balanced to European hoopsters, I bring you news of Pau Gasol's autobiography aptly titled: Gasol por Pau Gasol: El partido de mi vida.

Which loosely translated it means:

Gasol for Pau Gasol: The part of my life... that I spend watching the NBA playoffs after getting swept for the third consecutive season in a row.

I'm hoping the book covers the traumatic experience of changing from Euro Metrosexual to outdoor woodsman over the summer of '05, being called honkey every day in practice with Bonzi Wells and comparisons between Memphis groupies and women in prison movies on Skin-emax (I'm talking about the typical ugly she-man that runs the prison not the "You look like you need a backrub" portions of the movie).

You can thank me later for this information. Right now I have to leave work and camp out at Borders to get a 1st edition copy.

Since I have nothing else to add here (I did a 20 minute search on Amazon and Google and couldn't find the book), here's a link showing Pau Gasol's EA motion capture session. (EA Sports)

Clippers At Memphis: LIVE Blog

by Brett Edwards

Due to the monumental playoff implications of the Clippers/Grizz game tonight, I will be live blogging a portion of the game, most likely the 3rd quarter. As has been well documented, it is in the Clippers' best interest to lose this game, since doing so would clinch the 6th seed and a home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs against Denver. The Grizzlies' reward for the 5th seed? A road playoff opener against the Dallas Mavericks.

Keep checking back to see if I can spot any signs that either team isn't quite giving it their all.

2nd Quarter : Announcers openly discussing the weirdness of the loser of tonight's game actually benefiting. The NBA really needs to address this in the off season.

7:20 : OK this is very unwatchable. I'll keep my promise and give a little bit of live blog action, but this is really bad basketball. 30-19 MEM is up, and neither team is playing ANY of their regulars. Check that, at least LAC started Elton Brand.

6:01: 33-19, thanks to a 3 by BOBBBBBBBY JACKSSSSSSSSSON. MEM's announcer needs to relax, seriously.

5:25: Timeout. So the Clips haven't played Cassell, Radmanovic, or Kaman, and actually started Vin Baker! If that alone doesn't warrant an investigation I don't know what does.

4:50: Walter McCarty scores, cutting it to 13. Tsakalidis just scored for MEM. Clipper announcers talking about their favorite movies, good stuff. A minute ago they were saying that they actually packed for 10 days in case they go to DAL. Like anyone's buying that.

3:40: Jackson hits his 3rd 3 of the quarter. Pau Gasol is not playing for MEM by the way. I heard he has a hangnail but we're awaiting official word from the team doctor.

3:00: McCarty BINGO! It only took him 80 games, as the Clipper's announcer Ralph Lawler just pointed out. By the way, Clipper announcers are actually one of the best play-by-play teams in the league. I would know, having the NBA League Pass I've heard them all, and most are horrible. Lawler has such gimmicks as BINGO! when someone hits a 3, and "Lawler's Law," which is the first team to 100 wins. Every time it happens in a game, he follows it up by saying "It IS the law!" in a serious tone. Classic.

0:26: Announcers giving reasons to watch the rest of the game, even though Clips are down 18. Can Mobley get his confidence back? Can McCarty contribute for the playoffs? Can Kaman film The Burbs 2 while the playoffs are going on? You know, important stuff.

HALFTIME: Mercifully, the half is over and I'm outta here. It's 51-33 Memphis, and I don't see the Clippers making a big second half push. I believe that all the players on the floor are actually trying and not screwing around or tanking, but the lineups for both teams are obviously ridiculous.