The Doug Christie Jersey Dilemma

By Craig Kwasniewski

Can you still give a pussy-whipped friend a Doug Christie jersey even though Christie's retired?

I'm not sure if Bill Simmons thought of it or it came up from one of the readers in a mailbag post, but the idea of giving a whipped friend a Doug Christie jersey is freakin' brilliant. So what do I do now? Do I still give him a Christie jersey or is there an active player in any professional sport (even hockey) that can take the place?

Well, let me explain my dilemma you (one of our ten visitors) can comment:

Since 1996 a group of us have been making the annual trip to Las Vegas for the first weekend of March Madness. I even posted a diary of part of the trip last year (day 1 and day 2). Basically it's 32 NCAA basketball games in 48 hours mixed in with the usual Vegas festivities (gambling, strippers, alcohol, food and gambling). The daily rundown is like this: 7:00 AM to 9:00 PM, NCAA hoops with betting and comped alcohol; 9:00 PM to 1:00 AM, dinner and gambling; 1:00 AM to 4:00 AM clubs or strippers... all good times.

In the first few years, we had groups of 16-20 people with everyone buzzing in and out and all around the casino. Then as time has passed, some people got married (read: wives banned the trip) and some people moved too far away. Now the trip is about 4-6 guys every spring and with age, the hard-partying days now result in 3 days of illness, much like last year's trip.

Well some rather unfortunate news came across my email inbox today. Two of the guys involved are planning on bringing their wife/girlfriend to Vegas so they "can enjoy time at the spa."

(I'll pause here so that you can clean off the coffee that you spit up on the screen.)

So I quicky emailed back, "You're an asshole for bringing the women!!!! I'm absolutely stunned!!!!!!!!!!!!" (The email was 10,000 words along the same vein.)

Gone is the trip to the stripclub (I can't go alone, strippers are creeped out by people who roll solo)... fine I can deal with that. Hell, I've been married for 4 years and I probably should save lapdance money and spend it on a house... done.

In place of the strip club will be the constant nagging from my friends' "loved ones." And for those of you who are married or have a girlfriend, you know difficult it is to explain to a woman how awesome it is to spend 10 hours a day in a sportsbook watching college basketball. As great as your honey may be, she will NEVER have the patience to sit down and watch so much sports without bitching about it.

"What, there's another game? How long are we gonna do this? Who cares about point spreads? Can't we go swimming? I'm hungry and McDonald's will not do it! Stop looking at the waitress! Arrgh, you mean there's another six hours of this? Why all the timeouts? This is dumb!"

So instead of the 12th annual guys trip to Vegas for March Madness, we get no night action and constant bitching all day. Good times...

So what should I do? Do I go on ebay and get them a cheap Doug Christie jersey or do I find another player? Comments?

Comments

[SG]

There should be no dilemma- get them the jersey. Make them both wear one the entire trip like it's a scarlet letter.

Each time they're asked about the jerseys, they should be forced explain and then buy drinks for the rest of the group.

[Andrew]

Tony Parker might be a nice fill in since Eva repeatedly embarrasses him in the press and just came out and said that she wont let him have a bachelor party.

[Dan]

Craig-
You and I have been going to this for 12 out of 13 years straight. You are correct NO WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS allowed.There have been many good times and now everyone will have to behave which is just not right.
Isn't there a phrase "what every happens in vegas stays in vegas?"
Now with signifant others crashing the party that all ends. My guess is we will only see them for about 5 hours of basketball watching time the entire trip. If you do save them seats I will have to agree with the last comment about Tony PArker. I may just go out and buy you the jersey in vegas and make you wear it if you save 2 let alone 4 seats for them.
I do look forward to new stories this year.

But I will pay for a lap dance for the women!!!

[Craig]

I think I'll go with the Tony Longoria jersey. It serves two purposes, one with the obvious p-whipped factor and the other because I hate the Spurs so much I might take a drunken swing at one of the guys (especially after losing 4 parlays in a row).

[J.E. Skeets]

Two words: Rudy. Gay.

[tz]

get a custom made doug christie jersey

[Craig]

Skeets wins by a landslide!!! I can't believe I missed that one.