by Craig Kwasniewski
I choose heroin!
The Tony Longoria era is driving me to hard drugs. It's bad enough that he leads the league in points in the paint (can someone please knock him on his ass?); it's bad enough that during Spurs games we get 3,246 crowd shots of his groupie girlfriend; it's bad enough to know that "The NBA's number one couple" was on Oprah; hell it's bad enough having to watch any Spurs games on television...at all;
but I now have to live through the Tony Pizzle era?!?!?!?
Yes, Tony Longoria is throwing his beret into the arena of hip-hip. Look, Deadspin.com (Tony Parker Fuels Our Nightmares) already posted about this so I won't beat it to death.
According to Pizzle's website tonyp.fr:
"Influencé par « 2Pac » et « Notorious Big », Tony découvre le rap français dans les années 90, lors de ces années à l’INSEP, à travers Mamoutou Diarra, frère d’Oxmo Puccino. . « NTM », « IAM », « Mafia Trece», « Ideal J » ou le premier album de « Funky Family », « Si Dieu le veut », bercent ses journées. C’est donc naturellement que TP s’essaie, pour le plaisir, au rap et à créer des beat avec son frère TJ."
Which translated to English means, "My influences are 2Pac and Notorious B.I.G. I tend to surrender at the sight of any commotion. I bathe once a month and spill gallons upon gallons of cologne all over my French body. Usually I prefer anorexic women who smoke 12 packs a day, but for now I am getting psycho girl sex from this insecure actress that is on some American pig T.V. show and somehow every stinking American housewife loves me. Screw America!"
(or something like that)
Hey, Pizzle may have some talent, I'm not sure, but he can't be any more talented than those dudes who sell their homemade cd's out of the trunk of their cars. Just stick to playing hoops my man. You're actually very good at it.
Anyway, here's a photo of his posse (Laker fans everywhere should be shocked at the site of their new hero Ronnie Turiaf in this photo):
Below is my favorite photo of them all. Eva Longoria rockin' the hood just to fit in with the rest of the group. I just wish I was a fly in the wall as she was planning her outfit.
"Sweetie... which one makes me look like a hoochie mother? The pink one or the powder blue one?"
(annoyed le grunt from Pizzle)
"..cos I'm leaning toward the pink one because it's brings out this new nail polish. No maybe the blue. I feel real street like in this one....sweetie. Yeah... I'm a bad mothersucker in the powder blue hood. These shades make me look scary don't they? I feel like I can roll wid da homiez...right sweetie?"